The What-ifs

Oh, the possibilities.  The terrifying, mind-consuming, up-all-night plethora of scenarios that range from common worries to the most absurd of ideas. Although, if you suffer from anxiety, those absurd ideas seem like perfectly logical things to worry about. Right? 

If I had to make a list of the top five things that keep me up late and consume me with heart-gripping fear, this would be it:

1. Someone/something harming my children. 

Kidnappers. Child molesters. Murderers. Human traffickers. People like Adam Lanza. All of the evil people in the world who could potentially turn their attention on my two beautiful, precious daughters. Maybe if I didn't watch so many episodes of NCIS and, years ago, Law & Order: SVU (BAD idea) I wouldn't be plagued with the amount of sheer terror I feel when I think about someone trying to hurt my children. I think what makes it worse is the sense of helplessness that engulfs me when these fears arise. I can't be with them 24/7, obviously, and although while at school I know they're reasonably safe, the fear stays with me. The thought of someone taking my children, and me being unable to get to them, to not know if they were okay, to think they could be hurt in any way, consumes me at times, leaving me in desperate prayers that God will dispatch every angel possible to protect my kids from any and every harm. 

Though I occasionally worry about illnesses harming my children, those thoughts do not grip me as severely as the others.  Another fear that goes with the worry about my kids...

2. Fire.

Almost every night, specifically during the Fall/Winter months when we need additional heat because our old house is drafty, I worry about fire. 

Our bedroom is reasonably close to our daughters' shared bedroom, but between us is the kitchen and the space heater that adds heat to their room. I find myself checking and re-checking the smoke detectors, fearing they might prove faulty in the event of a fire.  I worry that I will be sleeping and they will suffer smoke inhalation. I worry the fire will start in their room with bad wiring and I will be unable to get to them in time. I have no qualms about putting myself in harm's way to save my children from fire, but it's the idea of not being able to protect them that causes me the most fear, I think. 

3. Car accidents.

I HATE the interstate. Hate it, hate it, hate it. I used to have an hour commute to work via the interstate, and nearly every day there was an accident. Most were minor, but there were times when an accident claimed several lives and backed up the interstate for hours at a time. A specific incident that stays with me occurred several years ago in which a family of four were rear-ended by a van, and the collision resulted in the family's van spinning around and being hit head-on by a garbage truck.  The entire family was killed. Accidents like this happen nearly every day, and again, the helplessness of being unable to predict who we will be driving next to on the roads causes a build up of anxiety in me that lasts for days prior to any planned trip of considerable distance. 

Even a visit to my in-laws, who live an hour and a half away, means days of anxiety for me, and I spend an excessive amount of time thinking up excuses for why we shouldn't go. Vacations cause even more anxiety. I often worry that we'll be killed in a car accident on the way there. I don't generally worry about the trip back, though, which has always confused me. 

4. Shootings.

As the number of random attacks of gun violence increases with each passing year, my fear of being in the wrong place at the wrong time has become yet another worry that keeps me up at night. Any time I am in a store - be it grocery, clothing or convenience - and someone who seems agitated or gives off a creepy vibe enters, I immediately tense, fearing the worst. I start to assess possible exits, my closeness to the person in question and the likelyhood of getting away safely if they did, in fact, open fire. If my kids are with me, I have to fight the urge to just take them and leave immediately. 

5. Dying. 

This is one that I think most anxiety sufferers deal with on a daily basis. I constantly worry about dying.  Not for myself, because I am a Christian and believe in Heaven. I worry about my husband, my kids.  As I've mentioned before, I fear how my death would affect my children, who are still so young. I worry about my husband's grief and his ability to care for our children without me there.  Let's be honest, Moms do most of the work (generally - I know there are dads out there who do a great deal of the parenting work). I'm not even sure my husband could handle getting the girls up, dressed and fed for school every day.  Homework, laundry, cleaning, baths, remembering to feed the dog, pay the bills, etc.  Granted, these are all minor things that obviously he could handle - if not right away, eventually.  Of course, my mother, sisters and family would step in and help him with the girls.  I know the grief of my family would not last forever, and they would move on with their lives as I would want them to. Regardless, I still fear leaving them. 

Writing these fears out makes me feel a little ridiculous about myself and my irrational worries, yet at the same time they are truly the things that keep me up at night, and I started this blog to be entirely honest with myself.  My hope is that someday, somehow I will be able to reduce these fears to an acceptable level, a level that does not consume me and take sleep away.